Day 7 #NHBPM – Redesign a Doctors Office

Nov7

Today I get to do a post about something new. My previous post’s for NHBPM have been rehash information that I have talked about in the past. Now, I get to talk about something new.

Redesign a doctor’s office. First let me say I am not the best decorator or designer. If you ever look at the games I play on Facebook…my farms and cities etc are all a mess and unorganized 🙂 But I will make the attempt.

The first thing I would change is the temperature. I don’t know about anyone else, but most doctors offices I go to are way to hot. It seems like none of them believe in air conditioning. What makes this worse is that I seem to do worse in the heat. For whatever reasons, the hotter it is, the worse my Crohn’s is. Also, because sometimes you have to wait forever, the heat makes waiting really unbearable.

The second thing I would change is the bathrooms. I am not sure how it is outside of NYC, but most docs I go to have one bathroom. Um, a lot of people who go to the doctor are sick and need to use the bathroom. Not to mention us patients with IBD that well, need a bathroom all to ourselves. Multiple rooms with multiple stalls would be great. Having just one bathroom with one toilet just doesn’t cut it in my book.

Now we enter the exam room. And for some reason, the room here is always freezing instead of being hot. So we get undressed and sit on a metal table in a freezing room. Again, let’s fix the A/C and get the proper temperature. And speaking of being undressed, a lot of places give you the hospital gown to put on. Here is my next change…multiple size gowns. It seems like doctors carry one size….XXXXSmall. And the gowns are so old that half of the ties are broken or missing.

So now we are in the exam room, half-naked and we wait, and wait, and wait. I would love to have a countdown clock with a time of when I am going to see the dr. I know his time is money…but what about mine. I would love to not waste my day sitting half-naked waiting for someone to come in and spend 2 minutes with me.

So lets see…so far I have a well tuned A/C unit, more bathrooms, better gowns, and some sort of waiting countdown clock.

Not sure what else I would change at the moment. To be honest, my GI doc’s office is actually pretty good overall so there isn’t much I would change. I am thinking about other offices I have been in while I write this.

So as the first week of posts comes to a close, so does my list of redesigning my docs office. It wasn’t much but it was an attempt. I would love to hear what other people think of their offices and what they would change. My challenge to you is do you think you can actually get the doc to make some of the changes you want?

Day 6 – #NHBPM – News Style Post

Nov6

Since the explosion of the world wide web, many people have turned to going online to look for help for problems. For many people with IBD, going to a doctor doesn’t always help. They treat the physical problems, sometimes, and very rarely treat the mental problems. Because of the lack of a bedside manner, patients with IBD look for treatment online in the form of forums, social medias and medical based sites.

One new site designed to help those with many illnesses, including IBD is http://www.meddik.com. This is a new site which just came on the scene. It was developed by 2 medical students, one of which has a relative with IBD. The site is a user based site but also carries links to medical articles. The design behind the site is that you can research not just the inner workings of your disease but get first hand help from people who also suffer from the same.

Another site, with a heavier user base is http://www.crohnology.com. This site is made so that you can connect with people who not only have your disease but live near you. You can also ask questions to everyone on the site. You can look up people taking the same meds as you or have the same side effects or even symptoms.

If you are looking for an upbeat site with a dose of comedy, turn to http://www.ihaveuc.com. Adam has UC and treats his disease with comedy. He believes that laughter heals. He also has on his site a place to post and answer questions from other IBDers. Adam also post informative information about the disease and the treatments used.

If you’re looking for a feminine side to IBD, there is no shortage of that either. Sara at http://www.inflamed-and-untamed.com is probably the most recognizable face for IBD. She talks about a lot of personal dealings with Crohn’s and having a J-Pouch. She has become an inspiration to so many people and when she is ill, she in overwhelmed with well wishers.

Another person who is big on helping others is Kelly. She has a page on Facebook called I-Have-A-Bad-Tummy-With-An-Optimistic-Mind-Chronic-Illness-Support. Kelly is the face of being brave and strong with IBD as she has been very sick this year but still manages to come online to help others. She is yet another big inspiration to many.

If you have an ostomy and love videos then check out Maggie at www,youtube.com/LetsTalkIBD. She shows everyone that just because you don’t have part or all of your intestines doesn’t mean you can’t live life. She shows that you can do whatever you want to do, whether it is swimming in a bikini or going to college. Your life doesn’t stop just because you wear a bag on your side. In fact she shows just how life is just starting after surgery.

Are you athletic? Do you have IBD? Well, your life isn’t over. Brian at http://www.intenseintestines and Heidi from http://www.ostomyoutdoors.com both show that just because you have a disease doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy exercise. Whether it is hiking, running or biking..you can do it all.

With so much help out there online doctors need to step up their game. They can’t give the advice that any of these sites can offer. Most doctors don’t have enough time to spend with their patients to find out what is going on in their minds. It is no wonder why everyone turns to the internet now.

Day 5 – Write a #ListOf3 Things that you’re thankful for / excited about / or inspired by

Nov5

For today’s post I had the choice to write about a Health Activist Soapbox or this…and I think a lot of people will choose the soapbox so I am going with this one.
List of 3 things. Oy. Where to start. I think of talking about 3 of one topic I will talk about one of each topic.

Topic 1 – What am I thankful for? Very strong question and with Thanksgiving just around the corner this is on my mind. I have gone through so much this past year and there is so much to be thankful for. The most recent thing is that I made it through hurricane Sandy without major issues. I can say I am still alive and in pretty good health. I have a job in times when unemployment is high. But my answer to this question…I am thankful for my doctor. First..if you haven’t yet, go read my previous blog on day 3……….ok, your back. Now you know where I am going. I am thankful for my GI doctor. So many patients have doctors that don’t listen and worst off don’t care. A lot of docs just seem to go through the motions and don’t seem real invested in your health. My doctor though is different. He listens. Not just to what I have to say but he listens to my advice. He doesn’t spew advice from medical books. Instead he bases his thoughts on current research. Recently I wanted off Humira and wanted to try out Low Dose Naltrexone. He had no experience with the med, knew nothing about it as a treatment for Crohn’s, yet he did his own research, listened to my concerns and decided to work with me on a solution to healing my Crohn’s. I don’t know if the medicine will help or even if I will be able to tolerate it long-term but my doc is letting me experiment with it and he is learning at the same time. He is great for all that he does and I can tell that if he takes the time to do research for me then he is doing it for other patients also. And for these reasons I am very thankful to have found him.

Topic 2 – What am I excited about? This up coming year I am excited for so much. First, instead of walking in the Take Steps walk I want to volunteer. I want to be able to give back some. Also, I am not great at fund-raising so this is my way of helping out my cause. I am excited to work at the walk and talk with others affected with IBD. But my excitement doesn’t end there. In 2013, for the first time, I want to volunteer my time at Camp Oasis. This is a camp that is held for a week in the summer for kids with IBD. Most of the staff and medical team have IBD and the kids can look up to them and see that there is hope to living a normal life. This is the reason I became a health activist. I grew up alone with my disease. This year I said to myself that I didn’t want anyone to have to go through what I did. I wanted to help people, especially the kids know that they are not alone. What better way to do this than to talk directly with them at Camp Oasis. I hear so many stories from people on how much fun it is working there. I want to finally experience this joy and if all goes well..I will. Just thinking about it now gets me excited.

Topic 3 – What has inspired you? For me it isn’t a what but who. Again, if you read my blogs, you probably know this answer already. So go ahead and look back over my previous blogs. If you don’t have time, just look at the guest post I did for WEGO Health. All the names are there. Sara, Kelly, Maggie, Charis, Jackie. These were just the first batch of people to truly inspire me to speak up and do what I now do. As time goes on, I have met other people and heard their stories. Now I have other people inspiring me….Alyssa, Pat, Amanda, Michael, Peter, Claire, and so many others. Now, I don’t want to put last names because I don’t know who wants their name out there..but if you run in the circles I run in, you probably know these names.

Day 4 – Write about what’s in your bag / purse / backpack every day

Nov4

Ah yes – the Go bag, or our version of the Go bag. Almost every person with IBD knows about this bag. We all kind of differ on some items but for the most part we all share the same products. So, what is in mine you ask.

Well, to start off, my bag is a normal book bag. I use this because, 1 – it is easy to carry..just put in on your shoulders. 2 – it is big enough to hide any embarrassing items – you will see what I mean. 3 – it is big enough to carry everything and I can use it to carry other items like packages, umbrellas, kindle, etc.

Now, I don’t always carry this bag with me. When I go to work, I size everything down and put the bare essentials in my work bag. If I am going out and doing daily chores..and feeling great, I will not bring anything. Then there are the bad flare days where I can’t get off the toilet. Then the bag is glued to my back.

Here is my list of products:

Travel Size Toilet Paper
Travel Size Toilet Seat Covers
Hand Sanitizer
Extra underwear
Plastic bag with underwear
Latex Gloves
Immodium/Tylenol/Tums/Gas X (all in a pill dispenser)
Waterless soap
Travel Size Wet Wipes
Flashlight

So there it is. My IBD Go Bag. What is in yours? I would love to hear your comments and compare. Do you have something essential in yours that I am missing?

Day 3 #NHBPM – A Conversation with my Doctor

Nov3

Day 3 – I like this topic. I have talked about this one also but I would love to reshare it because it can give people hope.

About 3 months ago, I decided I wanted off Humira. I was getting really bad psoriasis on my legs and it was starting to spread to my stomach. I had had enough. I knew the conversation with my GI doc was going to be rough. First, I have been on pretty much every type of medicine out there so there wasn’t really anything left for me to try. Second…what doctor wants to hear that a patient is refusing their current treatment.

I did a lot of research beforehand on a new drug therapy and I decided that I wanted to try Low Dose Naltrexone or LDN. It has been gaining popularity within the IBD community for having great results with little to no side effects. That was what I needed because I seem to get all the side effects. The main problem though is that it is not a standard treatment for Crohn’s right now and is still considered experimental. I felt like I had tried all the conventional therapies so maybe it was time for something new. I printed out some information and a case study done on the drug and brought it with me to my appt.

Needless to say, the morning of my GI appt, I was very nervous. I didn’t know what my doc would say or think. He started out talking to me about how I am and then did his exam. Then we got down to brass tactics. I told him I was at the point where I need to control the psoriasis first rather than the CD so I wanted off Humira. Before he could talk me out of it, I went into suggesting LDN to him. He then told me he was familiar with the drug (as a low dose form) and he doesn’t currently have any patients on it and he has never used it. My heart sank. But…(wait, did he say but..) he would do some research into it and let me know within a week. I was shocked at this. I have never had a doctor say he would research something just for me. I think every doc should do this for every patient…I just never had it done before. All my past doctors were know it all docs who didn’t want to hear anything.

I was so excited. I was going off Humira, had a doctor that cared, and might get something that will really help me. A week went by…and I heard nothing. I knew my doc was going on vacation so I gave him another week. After 2 weeks, I messaged him and he told me that he would do it. YEAH!!!

When I went back to him about another 2 weeks later to get my script, we talked a little. Now I never gave him the information I had because I didn’t want to be pushy and scare him. When he said he would do the research, I knew he would find the same info. I however brought it with me again just in case. He did admit that this was all new to him and he wasn’t even sure just how much to prescribe. Thankfully I did my research and was able to help him with that. After I told him…he then says that the dosage matched what they used in the study. I think he really knew and was testing me to see if I really looked into the med. Gothcha doc 🙂 So we talked a little more about this and afterwards I got my script.

I walked out of his office head held high. I was in new territory now and was proud of myself for sticking to my guns. But what I learned from all of this is that you should never ever ever be afraid to talk to your doctor. I think your treatments should be a 2 way street. You should have as much say as your doctor. I have been very lucky to have found such a great, caring and resourceful doctor. He is open to suggestions and doesn’t think that he knows it all.

And that is my message to everyone. Talk to your doctor. Sometime they will be stubborn and when they get like that, insist some more. Don’t ever back down or give in. Remember, your body is your body…not theirs. You know your body best and how you react to things. Make your voice heard. And if your doctor won’t listen to you…find another one. They truly are a dime a dozen.

Why I Write About My Health

Nov1

So here is my first of many posts for Wegohealth.com National Health Blog Post Month. The challenge for this is to blog about different things (they give us the topics) every day for a month. So here is my first post and the topic is Why I Write About My Health.

It all started in 2011. I was going through the worst flare up of my Crohn’s Disease in my life. I was going to the bathroom a good 30 times a day and really couldn’t live my life. I had been on numerous medicines throughout my life for my Crohn’s but nothing seemed to really help me. By the time January 2012 came around, depression had set in. I felt so alone with my disease and felt like I had no one to turn to. I knew very little about my disease and knew no one with it.

I was diagnosed in 1988 and didn’t have the internet back then. Whatever I learned about the disease came from outdated books and pamphlets. For most of my life I survived and got through my problems. My disease never really interfered with my life so I let it be. Now, that it was taking over my life, I didn’t know where to turn to.

Like most people with problems, I turned to the internet. In all honesty, I was so bad I thought I was going to need surgery and was looking up just what an ostomy bag was. I had never seen one before and knew nothing about it. I wanted to prepare myself mentally for what I thought was to come. My first searches took me to YouTube where I found some great videos from other people with Crohns. The people I found in these videos would go on to be my inspiration.

One thing these fellow Crohnies showed me was that no matter how bad things were, we could overcome the bad times. I soon realized that I had ignored the internet all these years. I started doing more searches and found so many websites. I then turned to one of the biggest social networks out there, Facebook. I started to see how people were coming together with their disease and helping each other. I thought back over my life and wished that I had something like this growing up. It was then that I decided I wanted to help out. I made up my mind that I wanted to help others out and let everyone out there with IBD know that they don’t have to be alone like I was.

My first attempt was to make some videos but this wasn’t for me. I felt very awkward talking to a camera. I also couldn’t interact with anyone doing this. So, I decided to write instead of talking and turned to Tumblr. This was fine for a little while but I soon learned that the site was more for sharing Memes. Finally I turned to WordPress and now I have this website. I have my own space to share my experiences and a place for others to feel comfortable to open up about their experiences.

Here it is now at the end of 2012. I have come a long way in such a short time. My main goal from the start has not changed though and that is why I write about my health……I don’t ever want anyone with IBD to feel alone.

UCLA Center for Inflammatory Bowel Diseases

Oct23

Recently I was contacted by a member of the UCLA Center for Inflammatory Bowel Diseases on Twitter. They wanted to do a small guest post. I felt honored to be approached by such a prestigious center. Of course I said yes. For anyone that doesn’t know what UCLA is, it is a very big university in the USA. The letters stand for University of California – Los Angeles. The website to the center is here http://www.uclaibd.com. You might have seen articles about the work they did. Recently they have created some programs to help in communication between doctors and patients, which is what they briefly wanted to write about. So, without further adieu, here is their guest post.

“In its summer 2012 issue, the Crohn’s Advocate did a cover story on how the digital age is transforming patients’ self-management of their disease. “The 21^st Century Patient: Managing Crohn’s in a Digital World,” talks about online health management platforms that provide patients with direct access to their health information so that they can take action on it. If you’re as excited about the idea of being actively involved in the management of your health as we are then we’d like to tell you how we think it can work.

Our UCLA Center for Inflammatory Bowel Diseases and Rochester General Health System were the two online health management platforms featured in the Crohn’s Advocate article. Both of our platforms enable your medical teams to capture, store and share information about your health with you electronically and in real-time. Using such systems, you and your medical team are able to track how your health is progressing and adjust treatment and care accordingly with real data to support those decisions. We see this as a big shift in patients’ participation in their own care and where healthcare is heading in the future.

Our Homecare program at the UCLA Center for Inflammatory Diseases provides patients with an online patient care portal that they can access via the iPad or their home computer. One of our goals in the program is to make it as easy as possible for patients to access the portal anywhere and at any time for their health information and to communicate with their care team via email or online chat. Firm believers that our patients are co-owner of the care delivery process, we have developed a program that puts the tools in patients’ hands to manage their own health. Using the online portal, our program participants can access their medication information, clinic visits and lab schedules, answer questionnaires about various aspects of their health, and review resources about Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. The information provided by our program participants along with test results are continually monitored by our team of inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD) specialists to ensure that treatments are going according to plan and any health concerns are addressed in a timely manner in between office visits so they do not become bigger issues. Our Homecare program also provide support tools for participants to address aspects of their lives that might be affected by their illness such as mental health, work or school and social life.

We’re excited by a future in which patients can work with their doctors and nurses to actively management their illness and achieve better health. We hope to see systems like ours and Rochester General Health Systems be made available to every patient with Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis.”

Now normally, I wouldn’t post anything else with a guest post..but I wanted to touch a little on this. I have actually started using a program similar to what they are talking about, which is also featured in the Crohn’s Advocate article. I think the direction that the great minds at UCLA Center for IBD are taking are wonderful and is the wave of the future. In my advice, if your doctor isn’t using any form of digital platforms then it doesn’t hurt to ask them about it. If they are part of a big university or hospital then you can ask the head of the dept or even the patient care advocate. The more we pressure the medical community to be on our side, the more they will help us.

I want to thank Lam Nguyen for the post from UCLA Center for IBD. Please take the time to look over their site. You can also follow the center on Twitter at @UCLAibd. There are also links on their homepage to their facebook page, YouTube page, and other sites. Feel free to drop them a line and let them know how good a job they are doing for us.

Follow Friday for Oct 19th

Oct19

This has been a busy week for me. Three blogs in one week..wow. I was going to hold off on this one, but I felt like I wanted to put down what was fresh in my mind.

Last night, I had the pleasure of being in a focus group for a brand new website. It is still in its infacy and still trying to improve itself. But from what I see of it, it will go far. The website I had the honor to advise on is www.meddik.com. If you visit this right now, please please please remember that it is still being tested out so if you have problems let them know and give them some time to improve.

The site right now is based on people with Crohn’s, Colitis, and Celiac disease. But, anyone with any medical condition can go on it. There are posts from people with these diseases looking for help and advice. You can ask questions or answer others. One feature of theirs right now is that everyone for the most part is anonymous. That was one of the features we discused in the group and this might change.

One good article about this site was written here http://mashable.com/2012/05/29/meddik-video/. Lauren Hockenson talked with the co-founder Tim Soo and I thought this article best explains the site better than I could. I got to meet Tim last night and he is a really outgoing overall nice guy.

Now I know there are a lot of sites out there to get info and many more social sites. What will make this site different and better is that it will kind of work like Google. It will find results based on your preferences. You can filter what your needs are and it will find results that are like you and others that are realted in a sense. Do if you put a filter to look for Crohn’s Disease, it will pull and show you posts for CD. It will also find ones for IBD, Colitis, etc but …it will let you know how many finds are for your direct filter and how many are sort of related.

So, go check them out and let them know how you like it. If you really have strong feelings on how to help them, you can email me and I will forward it to them. Sometimes emails are better than a message on a website.

Dark Side – Part 2

Oct17

Yesterday I wrote about analyzing Kelly Clarkson’s song Dark Side and how it relates to my disease. I wanted to really open up, but then I closed up and didn’t really put down in words what I wanted to say. Yes, I felt a connection to the song but I didn’t really explain to well how I have that connection. I never really said what I felt my dark side was.

This was going through my head and then last night I read a post in a Facebook group that I belong to. I really made me think of one of my dark sides to the disease. I got to thinking and actually shared my story that I have kept inside for a number of years now…and it felt good to get it out.

The post was about how this person had to stop on the side of the road to “relieve herself”. She felt ashamed to have to do this and I could see the pain in her words. Now anyone with Crohn’s disease knows this is normal and probably most of us has at one time had real bowel emergencies and have done things they wouldn’t normally do. I reassured the poster that what she did was normal for us and that she is just one of us. Other people spoke up and she then commented that she felt better thanks to her family (meaning everyone posting). Her pain made me think of my dark side story and I shared it with her. I wasn’t worried about it getting out as it is a closed group and everyone keeps the stories there. Now you are thinking I just told her story..but I am keeping all names out of this so as not to embarrass anyone.

So, now I bet you are wondering…what was my story. I thought about it long and hard and I didnt’ know if I was ready to let this one out into the general public. But I guess I should take my own advice…we have all been there. For any Crohnie reading this…I am sure you know just how I felt at the time. For anyone without IBD reading this…just know, we all go through this problem.

First a little back story to mine. What brought this on was someone saying they had to go to the bathroom on the side of the road because they had to go and there were no bathrooms around. For many people this is easy to imagine. I have been on interstates where there are nothing but trees lining the road for miles. For me though, I grew up in NYC. Every highway has numerous exits with plenty of bathrooms to go to. The only time I would think about squatting on the side of the road is when there is an accident and the traffic isn’t moving. But my time did come and I wasn’t on a highway or interstate. I was walking. It was early morning and nothing was open. I was heading to my bus and then the “Urge” came on. I knew I didn’t have time to turn around and go home. If I did I would be really late to work. The only building close by with a bathroom was the library..and it was closed. I knew I was going to have an “accident”. And then my mind raced. Off to my right was a wooded area with a lot of trees. I knew that if I went into the area, no one would probably see me. I was feet from the sidewalk but being early morning, no one was around. I had seconds to make a decision. So I headed into the brush, squatted and did what I had to do. Luckily I had my emergency toilet paper with me. After I was done, I tried to cover it up as best I could, made sure the coast was clear, and continued on to my bus.

I felt so ashamed of what I did. I knew it wasn’t the worst thing as everything left behind was biodegradable. Also, the creatures that luck around (racoons, squirrels, etc) do this everyday. But I felt like this was not normal. Yes cavemen used to do this, but we have plumbing now. It stayed on my mind all day. Over the years I would think back to that day and remember how low I felt. It has always been my dirty little secret. When I read the post last night, I thought of the story again and felt like it was time to get in off my chest.

So now you know some of my secrets and part of my Dark Side. It feels good and theraputic to tell the story and get it off my chest. My main purpose for telling it though is to not help relieve my thoughts. I made some peace with what I did long ago. My real purpose is to help others with this damn disease. It is to show them that we are all the same and have the same problems. Like I have stated so many times before….you are not alone with your disease. For all my Crohnie brother’s and sister’s, don’t ever be embarressed by your disease. Most of what you go through is normal. We have all been there at one point.

Dark Side – What is Yours?

Oct16

There’s a place that I know,it’s not pretty there and few have ever gone. If i show it to you nowwill it make you run away, or will you stay even if it hurts. Even if I try to push you out will you return? And remind me who I really am. Please remind me who I really am

Kelly Clarkson’s songs always seem very personal. She reaches down into her soul to find lyrics and they come out as great songs. From the first time I heard the song “Dark Side” I was hooked on it. I could hear the pain in her voice and can tell she had real emotions to this song.

It wasn’t until I heard the song a couple of times that I started thinking about it. I remember I was on the subway pulling into the Times Square stop when it hit me. Kelly was talking about not having a boyfriend in the song, but that wasn’t my dark side. My dark side, like so many other things in my life lately, had to do with my Crohn’s Disease. I replayed the song on my Ipod and relistened to the words thinking about my dark side.

So much of my disease is kept inside me. There is so much that I hide away from everyone. No one in my life, not even my wife, truly knows every feeling I have when it comes to my disease. Kelly’s words started to ring true to me. If I tell all to my friends and family…will they just run away? Or will they stay and remind me who I really am?

Of course that brings on more thoughts….who am I really? Am I a person with a disease or am I a disease trying to live a life? I think a lot of people with a chronic illness think and feel this. Over time the disease starts to take over and forms our lives. Eventually, we lose sight of who we are and tend to think of ourselves as our disease. I personally like to think I am more than the disease. I have a life, am married, and hold a job. I have been lucky to not let my disease become my life. For some though this isn’t true though. I know when I was a teenager, I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. I thought, what can I do for a living when I constantly have to run to the bathroom? No one knew of these thoughts though. Back then my dark side started to form. Over time, it grew bigger and bigger.

But….the song does continue…….

like a diamond from black dust, it’s hard to know what can become if you give up. So don’t give up on me, please remind me who I really am.

After a diagnosis, we don’t know what we will become…especially when we are diagnosed at a young age. We think…can I live my life? Will I have a life? Will people like and love me? Will I be able to work or go to school? And usually, even when we get that diagnosis, we are still sick. After saying those questions to ourselves we sometimes want to give up. We are at our most vulnerable.

I chose not to give up early on. After battling my disease for a year I decided I was going to take hold of my life. I wanted to go to college and get a job afterwards. My family helped me make this decision and showed me who I really am. I wanted to become a chef and they stood behind me. They drove me to look at colleges. They helped me with the applications. They stood by me every step of the way. For that I am very thankful.

So, as I am sitting on my bus heading home…listening to the song a third time, I think about my dark side. Since my diagnosis as a teenager, I have hidden a lot away. So many feelings and emotions. Thoughts and despair . Some of them I have shown you on here. Some I still hide away. I don’t know if I will ever get all my feelings out, mainly I don’t know if I could ever really show that dark side of my life. I do know, that what I have shown so far had done a lot for me and for some other people with IBD. My thoughts have made myself and others stronger…but that is another song.